I’m always being asked “What’s Nectar about?”.
Every time someone asked me I really don’t know what I wanted to say. It changed every time. I went through a few identity crisis’ trying to figure out what I wanted this whole thing to be. I don’t want to point any fingers at anyone in particular (you know who you are), but if it wasn’t for their criticism I think I’d still be stuck doing the same old thing. Therefore, I need to be honest because I haven’t been 100% honest before. I haven’t been 100% myself out of fear and plain self doubt. I’ve been copies of other people and other things.. and really mediocre copies at that. So let me re-introduce myself and Nectar at the same time, so you can really get to know us.
My name is Aime and I’m the editor of Nectar Zine. I live in a small city in California that’s ugly and not as glamorous as everyone thinks California is. There’s graffiti every where, trash piled up in the street corners, and bums. But it’s the city I grew up in and the city I wasn’t so proud to call my home. Here’s the thing, after dropping out of college I had an opportunity most people don’t get the chance to have. I had a lot of time on my hands to figure out a lot of things and to make amends with a lot of things too. Like, the city I lived in was really shitty and what some people in my old high school would call, “ghetto”. Like, I’m not a pretty social media girl who gets praised just for walking outside. Like, I’m the fleshiest girl in my family, and I don’t think I’ll ever be straight and narrow thin ever. Like, college wasn’t my thing and will possibly never ever be my thing. Like, my art style is kind of ugly and creepy and not inspiring or well crafted like those of my peers. There’s a hell of a list that I have in my brain.. I usually check it off when I’m sitting in my bathtub with the water running, and I’m feeling too many emotions at once.
But it’s real. And it’s a part of me whether I like it or not. I think I’ve romanticized my existence so much just to prove to myself that I could be like everyone else. But, I’m the furthest from it. I’m not a super positive person nor am I always doing amazing things. I spend a lot of my time doing very very very mundane things. I feel like that’s more relatable than romanticizing the fuck out of a coffee mug at a cafe. (Yet I’m totally guilty of that too.)
And that’s honestly okay. However, being 100% on one specific side of the spectrum just doesn’t seem true to me anymore. That’s why I think its important to let everyone know who I really am. Simple yet complex. Happy but sad, etc, etc. I think it’s important for everyone to feel like they have their own niche. So if you’re not the super positive, and you’re not the super negative… you’re more likely floating in-between the two. I get that. I’m constantly feeling like I’m floating through time and space. And, that sense of not knowing what the fuck is going on with your life is very real and disassociating from your true self, to fit in, is more common than not.
Which is how I found myself creating Nectar. I wanted to create a community made up of perspectives and stories. You don’t really know someone until they’ve shared their own story, right? That’s what Nectar is about. It’s an outlet for wayward souls, a collection of words and art that’s personal, that starts a conversation. Nectar is here to represent everything that makes up who we are, from style to sex – nothing is off limits.
I’m going deep into the roots of who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. My first sense of identity (or lack thereof, yikes…) all started in my teenage years. If I had any kind of outlet or platform like this before, to feel some taste of home, I don’t think I would have struggled so much with my identity and mental health. But once I began to put the pieces together, I could finally envision it. We need to talk about our thoughts and emotions even if it is terrifying and some times painful. We need to allow ourselves the ability to express and create, not just for us but as a catalyst to something bigger than us. I’ve come to understand that its SO damn important for all of us to share our stories and to ignite some kind of conversation about “the self “, within ourselves and others. I hope you stay with us in this journey, and maybe even participate yourself. Hopefully you find something in here that can remind you that you’re not alone, and that there is a place for you after all.